THE ONE AND THREE QUARTER TOWERS,
being
AN ABRIDGED VERSION
of
THE TWO TOWERS,
by Randolph Carter
An homage to Peter Jackson's grand vision of J.R.R. Tolkien.
Version 0.2.1
FOREWORD
As many fellow Tolkien fans will agree, the recently released movie by
Mr. Jackson is not precisely the "Two Towers" we expected. It's more
like "One and One Quarter Towers" or perhaps at best "One and a Half
Towers". Even if approached very charitably, it's no more than 1 3/4,
but definitely not 2. The movie is clearly lacking something, despite
it brilliant photography, acting and the amazing achievement of the
artists John Howe and Alan Lee.
We maintain that it is further development of various gratuitous story
and character changes, which at first seem like random atrocities
against Tolkien's original text. It is our humble purpose to provide
the same. No offence is implied or intended to the Author or his Book.
-------------------
PLAINS of ROHAN. ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI follow the Uruk-hai band.
EOMER and his COMPANY ride up.
EOMER
Spare horses! Get your free spare horses! Fine pre-owned horses!
ARAGORN
Have you seen our friends the hobbits? They are just about as
tall as the dwarf here, but much less annoying.
GIMLI
We dwarfs are very dangerous over SHORT distances. Short. Get it?
Bwa-hah-ha.
EOMER
You travelled with this dwarf for three days? Your deed will be sung
in many a hall!
ARAGORN
That's OK, we kept ahead out of hearing range most of the time.
So what about our friends? They were kidnapped by orcs.
EOMER
Well, we just killed some orcs. They did not want our fine horses.
(Looks pointedly at Aragorn)
ARAGORN
Did you kill our friends too?
EOMER
What would you want us to do - count the bodies or maybe look for some
emblem? We Riders of Rohan aren't that smart. In fact, we can't even
count. We just kill everyone and burn every corpse. Sorry, dude.
Aragorn stands speechless.
EOMER
We have our own business to mind these days. Theoden exiled me from
Edoras, so I took away all of his army as well, bwahaha! Oh, by the
way, we have two spare horses, take them. And now, if you'll excuse
me, I have 300 leagues to ride so that Gandalf has some fun catching
up with us later. Don't you have anything of value to give us for our
fine horses?
ARAGORN
No, but you can take the dwarf as a collateral.
The horses are thrust upon Aragorn and Legolas, and the Riders of
Rohan ride away at full speed.
GIMLI
Well, these guys sure have SHORT tempers.
ARAGORN and LEGOLAS roll their eyes. They are joined by the AUDIENCE.
-------------------
EOWYN's CHAMBER in EDORAS. GRIMA WORMTONGUE is here, sweet talking
to EOWYN, and almost getting to stroke her cheek.
EOWYN
You certainly know how to turn a girl's head. In fact, you say the
nicest things a man said to a woman in this movie so far. But you
stole them from Gandalf and from the Author too.
EOWYN shoves GRIMA away just when he is about
to touch her chin.
EOWYN
Therefore: Your words are poison, and I'd rather date a Nazgul!
She storms out and lets her handkerchief fly into the wind.
GRIMA
Man, I hate it when people learn the books by heart!
PETER JACKSON
Those rabid fans will soon feel my wrath! I won't let them
stand in the way of my creative vision.
Let us seek the counsel of the mightiest wizard of Middle-earth.
-------------------
The following scene was later cut from the film. But this is the
extended DVD edition, right?
The RING of ISENGARD. Before the great doors of ORTHANC are THEODEN's
PARTY, PETER JACKSON and HIS SCRIPTWRITERS. SARUMAN addresses them
from the balcony, using his VOICE.
VOICE of SARUMAN
...I say, Theoden King: shall we have peace and friendship, you and I?
It is ours to command.
THEODEN
We will have peace. Yes, we will have peace -- Yeah, that sounds GREAT.
I'm sure we'll have a GREAT time. Bye now.
SARUMAN
Sure thing, pal. Be seeing you.
THEODEN leaves with his PARTY.
VOICE of SARUMAN
Dotard! What is the house of Eorl but a thatched barn where peasants
drink beer and smoke weed? I know not why I have had the patience to speak
to him. For I need him not, nor his little band of gallopers, as swift
to fly as to advance.
PETER JACKSON
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You definitely got the right angle here.
Thanks for the insight, man.
Could you do me a favour and repeat that for my scriptwriters?
SCRIPTWRITERS start jotting down SARUMAN's dictation.
SARUMAN's VOICE
...thatched barn... peasants... little band of gallopers... swift to fly...
SCRIPTWRITERS scribble away.
SARUMAN
Yes, and the Ents are stupid and can't see things right under their noses.
PETER JACKSON
Yeah, this sounds just RIGHT. You got it, man!
SCRIPTWRITERS scribble away.
-------------------
GOLDEN HALL in Edoras. It looks somewhat like a thatched barn. THEODEN
sits on his throne, his face covered in cobwebs and layers of plastic.
GRIMA WORMTONGUE and his GANG hover nearby. GANDALF, ARAGORN, LEGOLAS
and GIMLI approach, unchallenged. The assembled PEASANTS stare at
them.
ARAGORN
You find more cheer in a graveyard. Look, this place used to have a
golden roof.
HAMA
Please leave your weapons in that dusty corner.
ARAGORN
Sure, no big deal. Have my sword, it's only the Blade of Elendil
That Was Broken and Reforged Again. You probably never heard about it.
HAMA
Oh, we get to see plenty of those around here. And that badass-looking staff too,
please, Sir.
GANDALF (winks at Aragorn)
Come, these are not the droids.. er.. would you deprive an old man of his
walking stick?
HAMA
These are not.. er.. Come on in then.
They enter into the formerly golden HALL. There is strange smoke
wafting in the air, and GIMLI starts sniffing suspiciously right away.
GRIMA WORMTONGUE and his GANG
Go away! We don't want you warmongering types here! Say no to war!
WORMTONGUE'S GANG (chants)
SAY ... NO ... TO ... WAR ... SAY ... NO ...
GIMLI
Shut up you hippie! I hate f** peacenik hippies!
GIMLI kicks WORMTONGUE's ass, while LEGOLAS and ARAGORN take
on the GANG. PEASANTS continue looking on.
GANDALF
The size of your hall has somewhat lessened of late, Theoden, son of
Thengel! It used to be much larger. I also notice that the tapestries
are gone from the walls, and gold from the roof, too. Has Saruman
stopped around here lately with his store of hobbit weed?
THEODEN's eyes are glazed over. He mutters something.
SARUMAN's voice
Bwa-hah-ha!
GANDALF
Saruman, go away! You are supposed to be in Orthanc, raising an army.
This is the Two Towers, not Exorcist IV! And you are supposed to
speak in demonic basso when you are possessing.
SARUMAN
Well, they used it all up for Galadriel's Temptation scene. Banish
me, and I'll spew green puke all over your brand new white robes,
just like in that movie! Bwa-hah-ha!
GANDALF
Oh no you won't! Take that! and that! and that! VINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!
THEODEN flies out of this throne and crashes on the floor. We see
another demonstration of what wizard's wands are REALLY good
for. Cobwebs and plastic fall off THEODEN's face. We see that he is
actually middle-aged and has red hair and a red beard. PEASANTS stare
on.
ARAGORN
Would someone please open a window? This place hasn't been aired
for weeks!
GIMLI opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by the AUDIENCE.
AUDIENCE
No, for the love of Tolkien, not another short joke, please!
PETER JACKSON
Ha-ha, wait until we get to the battle of Hornburg!
THEODEN
Gandalf? Where is Saruman? Wasn't he here just a moment ago?
He sure grows some serious weed in that tower of his.
GANDALF
Lo! Now that I cured you, we can all go to war, and you can lead
your glorious eoreds to battle!
THEODEN
Why would I do that? War sucks! We will all go to Helms Deep and hide
there instead. Besides, I haven't got any eoreds, Eomer took the only
one I had 300 leagues north with him or something.
There are only peasants here.
PEASANTS keep staring.
GANDALF
Sh*t! I am off after Eomer. Aragorn, you take over. Try not
to fall over any cliffs. Look for me on the dawn of the third.. er..
fifth day!
GANDALF rides off.
GIMLI
Looks like we are a little SHORT of warriors here, heh-heh!
Is there any of that Halfling leaf left?
THEODEN
Nay, master dwarf, there's only beer.
GIMLI drinks beer and burps loudly. PEASANTS erupt into cheer.
The AUDIENCE groans.
-------------------
Meanwhile MERRY and PIPPIN follow a path into FANGORN FOREST.
MERRY
Do you think we lost them?
PIPPIN
Do you mean the orcs or the audience? Not quite yet, in both cases,
but Treebeard will soon help with both.
ORC
Bleh-bleh-bleh-bleh!
MERRY AND PIPPIN
AYEEE!
MERRY and PIPPIN clamber onto a tree, which turns out to be TREEBEARD,
who is apparently not very fond of having his nose grabbed by anybody.
He squishes the ORC, and regards the hobbits suspiciously.
TREEBEARD
Who might you be? The WHITE WIZARD will tell me that!
AUDIENCE
What suspense! Who might this be? Oh, do tell.
We see the back of SOMEONE's white robes, then cut right away to some
other scene.
AUDIENCE
Dammit, who was that? Saruman? Galdalf? Or just some guy dressed up
like a ghost?
PETER JACKSON
Behold the mysteries of Middle-earth!
-------------------
Later, in FANGORN FOREST, the ENTS are Mooting. MERRY and
PIPPIN walk nearby, awaiting their decision.
TREEBEARD
Congratulations, Merry! You are already a winner! We have finally
decided that you are not, in fact, an orc.
MERRY
What? Didn't the White Wizard tell you that already?
TREEBEARD
Let us not be hasty now. What if you could have *become* an orc since I
last talked to him? And besides, what do you think our brains are
made of?
PIPPIN
Wood?
TREEBEARD
Exactly. It takes us time to wrap them around simple ideas. They are
not very bendable, you know. And now we must decide
if Pippin here is an orc.
MERRY
When do you get to decide whether to attack Isengard?
TREEBEARD
Oh, I am afraid that is quite out of the question yet. First, we must
elect a Praesidium, and then decide our positions with respect to
the lumber industry, strip mining and Hollywood moviemaking that is
based on the premise that all important decisions have to be made
spectacularly on the spur of the moment when it is almost too late.
Hours of Mooting pass. PIPPIN delivers one of the most poignant,
moving and mature orations in the entire film, and no one seems to
notice.
MERRY
I give up. Why don't you guys just send us home?
PIPPIN
Yeah, and bring us to Isengard, which is in exactly the opposite
direction, so that we can slip by it totally unseen,
being so small and all?
TREEBEARD
OK, that makes sense, I suppose. I am not very good at geography or logic,
you know. Which way is Isengard, then?
PIPPIN
Go south. Actually, it's South-west, but who cares? No one
pays attention to maps or distances here anyway.
TREEBEARD approaches Isengard. The camera looks on lots of charred treestumps,
coal pits etc.
MERRY
Do you see anything out of the ordinary?
TREEBEARD
You mean, that the entire Ent Moot has followed us here?
PIPPIN
No, that's just fine. I mean, do you notice anything out of order
*right in front of your nose?*
TREEBEARD
No, why? There is Orthanc, and the stone walls, and ironworks, and coal pits,
and... O MY GOD! SARUMAN, YOU BASTARD!
TREEBEARD emits a very loud trumpeting sound, and all the other Ents
join in. PIPPIN vainly tries to get his attention.
PIPPIN
Are you going to confer and lay down some careful plans for attack now?
TREEBEARD
What? Plans? Bother plans! LET'S KICK SOME WIZARD ASS!
Ents hum and trumpet very briefly in general consent, then descend on
Isengard and tear it to pieces, breaking a conveniently located nearby
dam in the process. The entire Ring of Isengard is immediately
flooded, and they hardly seem to notice.
SARUMAN
Damn! I would have gotten away with this, if it wasn't for those
pesky hobbits!
-------------------
PINNACLE of ZIRAK-ZIGIL. Near the ruins of broken DURIN's TOWER lies
GANDALF, apparently lifeless. Stars wheel above in what faintly
resembles a STAR TREK wormhole effect.
A HORSE approaches GANDALF, and nuzzles his face gently. GANDALF
stirs and moves his lips. Apparently, he is having a very pleasant
dream.
AUDIENCE
What the hell? Where the heck did the horse come from?
SCRIPWRITERS
Horses are found in unlikely places. Remember Bill the Pony? He did
not set out from Rivendell but had to be set free at the gates of
Moria. That's not the last mystery wandering horse either, you just wait.
A huge EAGLE swoops down. We expect him to take GANDALF to Lorien, but
instead he picks up the HORSE and disappears due South-east (well,
that's actually South-west. My bad.). Another MAJOR CHARACTER is in
need of a sultry luscious dream following a near-fatal tumble off a
cliff. GANDALF's eyes are still closed, his expression serene and
happy.
AUDIENCE
Awww, that's so sweet and funny!
(Pelts ME with rotten fruit)
-------------------
The citadel of HORNBURG. Elvish horns sound, and a company of Elves in
gear of war passes through the gates. Their leader is HALDIR. ARAGORN
comes out to greet them.
HALDIR of LORIEN
We've come to honour the ancient treaty. Elrond of Rivendell sent us here.
I am Haldir of Lorien.
ARAGORN
Greetings, Haldir of Lorien. You come to us in an hour of dire need.
Where did you say your company comes from?
HALDIR
My company marched from Lorien, day and night.
ARAGORN
Yet Elrond of Rivendell sent you here? Does he dwell in Lorien now?
HALDIR
Elrond tarries yet in Rivendell, he comes not to Lorien.
ARAGORN
But it was not from Rivendell that you set out to our aid?
HALDIR
Indeed not. From Lorien I came, drawn by your need.
ARAGORN
What news of Elrond's house then? Fain I am to hear news of it,
as doubtless you know.
HALDIR
No news of Elrond's house I bring, for I had not been there
in many a year. Long and perilous are the roads that lead over the mountains,
between the Golden Wood and the Last Homely House.
ARAGORN
Yet Elrond's counsel brings you here? Is that not strange?
HALDIR
Well, actually it was Galadriel all along, but since she is
universally misunderstood and feared here in Rohan, we say it was
Elrond and hope that they will be none the wiser. Have you noticed
that geography is not exactly their strongest point?
ARAGORN
I see. Blessed is the hour of our meeting.
-------------------
The thick of the battle of HORNBURG. The ORCS are yelling, shooting
arrows and trying to scale the walls. The ELVES of LORIEN are busy
fighting them off, while a small group of ROHIRRRIM PEASANTS is
looking on, not knowing what to do.
URUK CAPTAIN
Attack! You will taste man-flesh!
URUKS
Yeah, right! This battle SUCKS! There is hardly one of them for each
20 of us, and they promised at least one for each three! And what do
we get instead? Totally inedible and m**ing mean elves! This is a
f** bait-and-switch!
URUK CAPTAIN
Well, you should have read the fine print when you signed up.
Next time you deal with them wizards, you better watch out, ha-ha!
Now march!
A piece of wall blows up, the blast hurls huge blocks of stone into
the air. They fall mainly on the attackers, inflicting large casualties.
We see URUK CAPTAIN getting squashed by one.
URUKS
F**ing smart-ass wizards! Waste of good meat!
A lot more FIGHTING happens and goes on until the morning of the fifth
day. A great horn blows. PEASANTS stare from the walls.
ARAGORN
Behold the White Rider!
He has brought us the.. umm.. a hundred used horse salesmen?
GIMLI
What did you expect? A bunch of trees out of Fangorn?
ARAGORN
Uh, actually -- yes.
EOMER's CAVALRY, all 100 of them, charge down a steep (at least 45
degrees) slope down onto the spears of the orcs. GANDALF leads
them. It looks like the horses are just about to impale themselves on
the URUKS' spears.
AN URUK
Dude, this is pretty fucked right here. Not even a wolf can gallop
down a hill this steep.
ANOTHER URUK
They must be tilting the camera or something.
THIRD URUK
Who is that crazy bloke in white? Not another wizard!?
FAT URUK
F*ck this, guys. I am going ho--oo--me!
OTHER URUKS
Yeah, f*ck this! Even sitting in a vat in that lab made more sense.
URUKS throw down their spears and walk away as RIDERS of ROHAN and their
steeds tumble in heaps down the hill. The battle is won.
-------------------
The REFUGE of HENNETH ANNUN. It doesn't look like much, really.
Funny, it used to be one of my most favorite places in the book.
FARAMIR
And so the Ring will go to Minas Tirith as a birthday present for my
father. And you thought I would let you go on your silly quest?
They didn't call me Boromir's Evil Twin for nothing.
CAPTAIN of GONDOR
Faramir, our homes in Osgiliath are under attack!
SAMWISE GAMGEE
But I thought that Osgiliath was deserted and in its ruins only
shadows walked, even before Rohan was founded!
CAPTAIN of GONDOR
Well, think again, buster. Look at this supposedly millitary map that
doesn't even have major roads marked. See, here
is Osgiliath.
SAMWISE GAMGEE
Well, at least Osgiliath is more than half-way to Minas Morgul.
If Merry and Pin got a lift across Rohan with orcs, why
shouldn't we get a lift with Men of Gondor through Ithilien?
-------------------
RUINS of OSGILIATH. FRODO is standing on top of a ruined building,
offering the RING to the hovering NAZGUL KING, whose FLYING BEAST
kicks major ass.
FRODO
Here, take the Ring!
NAZGUL KING
Frodo is offering me the Ring. What should I do?
I will follow the general direction of this movie, and NOT take
the Ring, and then change my mind when it's almost too late.
NAZGUL KING banks and takes off.
SAMWISE GAMGEE
Aha! Tricked you!
SAM pulls FRODO down, and almost gets skewered for his trouble by the sword
that was supposed to be taken from Frodo a few scenes ago.
FARAMIR appears from behind the rubble.
FARAMIR
I see now that you are really serious about your quest, Frodo.
I will let you proceed to the Mount Doom. It sure beats having that
winged Nazgul on my ass all the way home.
CAPTAIN of GONDOR
But then your life will be forfeit when your father finds out.
FARAMIR
Well, which one would you rather deal with: the Nazgul or your father?
CAPTAIN
Good point. Good luck, Ring-bearer!
-------------------
TO BE CONTINUED
© Randolph Carter, 2002 - rcarter@mathom.org